Ever since I was 9, I’ve had thoughts of suicide..

My parents used to beat me in sorts of ways I thought of as “normal in Asian communities.” They used to drag me to a dark closet by my arm or leg and beat me in there. They would chase me if I managed to get away. Nobody did anything to stop them. Not even my grandparents, aunts, uncles, nobody.

If I actually did manage to hide behind a table they’d throw stuff at me such as plastic cups, brooms, phones, and anything they’d get their hands onto. Once, they hit me with a broom made of mostly plastic and it broke once it had hit me. It snapped in half. They’d only hit my body but it made me feel like it would be better to die. I am 13 years old.

Now, I don’t think the ways they used to “teach me” were okay. Instead of slitting my wrists, I stab pens on my wrists hoping to cut a vein. I know this isn’t an okay behavior but this is the only way I can cope with my suicidal thoughts.

They tell me they love me and it’s just a way to make me respect them and make me learn from my mistakes. But is it really that? No, I don’t believe it. I’ve taken suicidal and depression tests and they came out as 90% and 100%.

I don’t wanna call for help because what if I have to go into foster care? I would be separated from the only one who understands me, my dog. It seems ridiculous but he is like a therapist to me, he makes me feel happy and safe.

Sure the beating has gradually become less harsher but I still wanna kill myself because of the way they still beat me.. Today my mom threatened that she will grab my hair and drag me by my hair and cut my hair off.