For some context, I am a teenager. I have been through 3 different fathers. I’ve had physical punishments as forms of discipline when I was younger. I started self-harming at the age of 11. I do have suicidal thoughts but I would never really plan anything. Though if I was in a situation where a car is about to run me over or someone is going to shoot me, I wouldn’t care that much. Like I would just accept it instead of trying to escape. I never seek any professional help and I don’t think I ever will because I can’t. I literally got in trouble just because I said I was stressed. Lately I’ve been crying at school everyday. I have no motivation to do anything and I don’t care about school but then I’m scared of failure. I have really low self-esteem but a high ego. When I am surrounded with friends I try to distract myself from feeling empty but when I get tired or am alone I let my thoughts drown in and start crying. I guess I kinda wanna know what mental disorder I have. I don’t really remember why I wanted to write this I guess you could say I have pretty bad memory.